This is an incredible time in my life.
1) Im pregnant with what will hopefully be my last baby and am about 5 or 6 weeks away from being fullterm. Thats really close!
2) A new school yearis ahead! I homeschool! YA! Im excited that Im not so anxious about this school year. I want to create a relaxed learning environment without all the pressure and I feel I have the tools to do such this school year!
3) Ive learned so much about this loony time I call ME.
Im allowing myself to make mistakes. I dont have to be perfect.
God has sent the perfect combination of people (one of which will be done with her doctoral program this Dec so Ill get to see more of her! EXCITING) to surround me. Emotionally/Spiritually Healthy individuals! <—Ive always struggled to find Healthy persons. (Lord have mercy! I got healthier and BAM!!!! there they came!)
Im really happy with who I am.
4) One of my favorite seasons is around the corner! (Fall! The other is Spring) I LOVE FALL FASHION!! I LOVE FALL WEATHER! I LOVE FALL LEAVES! I cant wait to pull out my boots and recreate my wardrobe!!! YES!
And the list goes on.
What does this have to do with anything? Well…let me explain
I have a family member that visits every summer. This summer has been pure HELL.I recognize that my fuse is short because of this pregnancy but Lord oh Lord!
I was once told by an old friend that I was selfish. I bragged about what I had, and I was clinched fist with my blessings. I also was blamed by a family member for being “super religious” and not compassionate enough….I felt that I was guilty of both charges. Well, should I say my emotions felt guilty but my brain felt that it was foolishness…..UNTIL….
I became more spiritually and emotionally mature. I learned about my history and how it plays a part in my life today. I learned about the mistaken beliefs that were dealt to me through various sources, and I found out that my brain is a pretty bright organ. Im pretty smart, ya know? The Holy Spirit plays a part in all of that! Feelings indeed are not facts.
Ok, so back to this summer….
This family member comes to visit…
It a financial strain as her parents send nothing to help feed or entertain this TEENAGER! Among a whole host of things!!
Here’s where Im guilty:
I recognized that I had reached my limit to how much I could take….but I did nothing about it.
I knew that this child would be put aside for her mom’s boyfriend
I knew that she would just stay home all day and do nothing because her mother isnt actively involved with her
I knew that she’d go home to a bad deal
So I did nothing. I continued to try to make this situation work..knowing it wouldnt.
Back to that whole selfish thing:
I know better. I am responsible for MY family and MY actions with MY children. If this family member’s mother chooses to do things differently (i say differently because who am I to say she’s wrong) thats her business.
I know better. I am not responsible for this child’s welfare.
I know better. I am not responsible for this child’s grades or social life.
I know better. I am not responsible for teaching this child the skills she needs to be a responsible adult.
I know better. I am not responsible for making sure this child has enjoyable life experiences.
I know better. I am not responsible for making sure she’s self motivated.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING SURE THIS CHILD HAS ALL THE SKILLS SHE NEEDS TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD OR EVEN SOMETHING AS SMALL AS HER HAVING A ENJOYABLE SUMMER.
ITS AN OPTION!!! I dont HAVE to do ANYTHING!
WHAT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR:
Is providing the best opportunity for her to enjoy herself while she visits me, and when Ive given all I can….send her home.
If thats selfish, Im guilty as charged. You see, my Heavenly Father has blessed me with 2 wonderful children (almost 3) and an awesome husband. They are my first priority. ALWAYS. I fill my own family’s cup of love and then I give to the world what is spilling over the brim. Once there is nothing falling over the brim, there is nothing to give to the world at that time. That doesnt mean there wont be something for me to give later….
The same thing goes for friendships,relationships, the needy, church family, etc. I CANT give that which I dont have. If i give what is meant for me, how then will I be filled? And if Im not filled, I have nothing to give to the world.
Is that selfish? I call it selfcare.
And at this point, I really dont give a rats behind what anyone thinks. I know that when my/my family’s cup is full, I have so much more to offer the world.
My family come first. And thats that.
I have made a mistake. I put on my Jesus coat. I felt that if I didnt do this for my family member, no one would. Thats not true. God has a way of providing all our needs. It was time for me to let go and I wouldnt. I felt I wouldnt be a good family member or Christian if I did.
You see, I have nothing left to give her. What good am I doing in her life?
i made a mistake…
And I forgive myself for it.
Thats Totally Supermom